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NEW YORK—Shaking his head in response to the release of the Pandora Papers revealing over 100 billionaires were among those shielding their wealth in offshore financial centers, patriotic billionaire Steven Lyle reiterated to reporters Monday that he only invests in American-made tax havens. “These billionaires who hide their money in places like Switzerland and Monaco make me sick—I vow to continue only sheltering my vast fortune from taxation right here in the good old U.S. of A.,” said the agribusiness executive, adding that there was nothing some foreign tax shelter like Jersey or the Cayman Islands could offer a billionaire that he couldn’t find in American tax havens like Delaware, South Dakota, or Nevada. “When I see something like the Pandora Papers, I wonder what happened to patriotic values. Every single one of my $3.2-billion-dollar fortune is shielded from regulators and capital gains taxes in lenient jurisdictions here in America, and it’s going to stay that way. It’s hard to see good American currency go overseas to enrich some Swiss banker or British shell company when it should be enriching an American banker or American shell company.” At press time, after receiving a tip of a potential investigation into his finances, the billionaire had moved his entire fortune to the British Virgin Islands.

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