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NOVI, MI—Stunning friends and family with his inexplicable ability to divine the future, local Lions fan Barry Porter once again displayed his supernatural ability Sunday to determine every draft pick will be a bust with his prediction for new offensive tackle Penei Sewell. “Within minutes, he was saying, ‘This is [Laken] Tomlinson all over again,’ and telling us Sewell is going nowhere and he’s gonna wash out of the league before his first contract is up,” said friend Devin Nelson, who marveled that Porter seemingly fell into a trance state as he finished his sixth beer and began peering through the fabric of time itself. “Going back 20 years and he’s basically never been wrong. I don’t know what kind of special connection he was born with that he can tell a Lions draft pick is going to suck. It’s both a gift and a curse, I guess. He sees the future, but knows he is destined to suffer forever.” At press time, Porter had once again been vindicated after Sewell stumbled and allowed some pressure on Jared Goff on the sixth snap of the game.

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